there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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