i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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