you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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