you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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