Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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