My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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