Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
