This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
