everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
