just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
