dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
