Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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