Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
