I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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