hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
