yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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