His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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