I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
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