Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You are the jesus of drinking
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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