did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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