i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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