I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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