You're completely useless in the revolution.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
