On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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