Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
