I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
