i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
