Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
