Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
