Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
