I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
