Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
