everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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