You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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