he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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