i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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