her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
