Will you blow on my dice?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
