i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
