I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
