Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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