Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
