mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
