pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
