So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
