new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My ATM looks so different sober.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
