I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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