my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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