It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
