Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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